Bodies in Motion
by sqbr
Summary: Joker, EDI and the Normandy as the events at the start of Mass Effect 3 unfold.
1. Chapter 1

"System sweep: complete for sectors 8192 to 12227."

"Good. Any problems?"

"Sector 9176 was infected with a virus, but this unit was able to counteract the infection before it contaminated any other sectors."

"Nice job. Ok, move on to sectors 12228 to 16383."

Jeff yawned, and tried to find a more comfortable way to sit in his chair. It was great for flying, but not so great for napping.

Traynor looked up from her notes. "I'm sorry," she said, "This must be very boring for you."

Jeff shrugged. "It's not like I have anything better to do. And there's something soothing about hearing EDI's voice reading off all those numbers." Traynor wasn't too bad to listen to either, with her sexy British accent. She was easy on the eyes, too, when he could bother to keep them open.

Traynor laughed. "I thought it was just me. Though I'd describe her voice as more sexy than soothing."

"You're an analyst," said Jeff. "You think _anyone_ reading numbers is sexy." He leaned closer and leered. "Maybe I should try it. Five. Twelve. Six million point three. Doing anything for you?"

Traynor stepped back ever so slightly and gave him an apologetic smile. "Sorry Joker. Those _are_ some sexy numbers, but I'm only into women. And...female voiced VIs, apparently."

Jeff held a hand to his forehead and looked distraught, though he'd mostly been kidding. "Upstaged by a computer!" he said. "If it was anyone but EDI I'd be offended, but she _does_ have a pretty sexy voice." Too sexy by half, if you asked him.

"This unit's voice was programmed by Cerberus engineers to maximise audibility and the emotional wellbeing of the crew," said EDI, in the flat stilted speech she affected around the Alliance crew. "If the current vocal settings are not satisfactory, they can be changed."

"Oh, no," said Traynor, "Sexy is good!" She patted a nearby bulkhead. "Stay sexy, EDI!"

"As you wish," said EDI, and Jeff had to stop himself from snickering.

So obviously, Shepard being decommissioned was bullshit. She'd done everything she could to save those Batarians, she'd sure as hell tried harder than Jeff would have to save the four eyed slaving bastards, and the colony would have all died anyway the moment the Reapers hit. Along with everyone else in the galaxy. Forcing her to hang around on Earth doing nothing was a waste of time and resources that should be being spent getting ready for the coming invasion.

But he had to admit, it was kind of nice to be in one place again for a while. Sure, the threat of imminent extinction was hanging over all their heads, but there wasn't much point in him worrying about it right this minute. For the moment he was enjoying having a chance to kick back and enjoy the sights of Earth. Or at least Canada. Unlike his last extended "holiday", Jeff had a job and a ship to go back to, even if the Normandy was grounded and covered in techs instead of up in space where she belonged. Plus Shepard wasn't actually _dead_ this time. That was nice.

Today, he was shirt shopping. The last time he'd snuck aboard the Normandy after hours to have a proper conversation with EDI she'd teased him about his taste in clothes, saying that she was glad he was forced to wear an Alliance uniform when he was on duty. So he was going to impre... to show her that she was talking out of her steel plated metal ass.

He poked at the button for the elevator and thought about what style he should look out for. Something sharp. Maybe blue, EDI seemed to like blue. And there was a tailor on the top floor he'd heard good things about...The bland tone of the mall VI broke him out of his reverie.

"The Toronto Eaton Centre apologises for the inconvenience, but all elevators are currently out of service. If possible, please take advantage of the stairs to your left. If you are unable to use the stairs, please press the button again, and your omnitool will be provided with the location of the nearest ramp."

"Seriously?" Well this was just perfect, there went all the time and energy he'd saved up for shirt shopping. If he was lucky, the ramp wouldn't be far away. But when was he ever lucky? Jeff could have scanned in his measurements and bought the shirt on the extranet like a normal person, but nooo, he had to get _fancy_. He pushed the button again, and looked at the map that came up on his omnitool. Ok, not too far then. Good.

He was trying to figure out why the map had apparently led him to the garden area in the middle of the mall when he felt a bump from behind. Ug. Just because he walked slowly was no reason for people to get all up in his business. He turned around, irritated, only to be faced with a very abashed looking Asari.

"I'm so sorry!" she said. "I'm still getting the hang of these new prosthetic legs." She gestured downwards, as if her legs looked different from anyone else's under an ankle length dress. Well, apart from the fact that they were kind of short. Looking at her childish face and wide eyed expression Jeff judged her to be the asari equivalent of a teenager. She certainly wasn't as mind numbingly sexy as most asari, she veered more towards adorable. Which was actually pretty disturbing, Jeff didn't usually find anyone adorable, teenaged or not. Damn asari and their sneaky pheromones. He'd resent them for it more if they weren't all so gosh darned cute.

"Oh, hey, no problem," he said. "So, you're looking for the ramp as well?"

The girl nodded. "I should be able to walk up stairs eventually but right now I don't trust myself not to fall down and break my head open."

"Join the club," said Joker. "And I wish I could help you, but the map I was given led me to this park. Which is pretty and all, but not very helpful."

"I was given the same map," said the asari. "Maybe if I..." She poked at her omni tool with a flicker of blue fingers, then frowned at the patch of greenery in front of them with narrowed eyes. "Wait, there it is!" she said pointing upwards. He looked over, and sure enough, there above the tree tops was a ramp up to the higher levels.

"Great!" said Jeff. "Now, how the hell do we get to it?"

They eventually found a path that snaked through the garden, past fountains and benches and though green tinged patches of filtered sunlight. This mall was ridiculously huge.

The asari babbled at Jeff nervously the whole way. Her name was Teesha, and she was visiting Earth with her father, a turian diplomat, while she took a break from school after the shuttle accident that had caused her to lose both her legs. Teesha was enjoying the trip, she found Toronto, and human society in general, endlessly fascinating. Jeff felt like some native villager being ogled by a breathless tourist from More Civilised lands, which is pretty much exactly what he was. He got the feeling Teesha had been too shy to talk to any other humans before now.

"What was it like finding out that other sentient species existed?" she asked.

"You'd have to ask someone who remembers it," said Joker. "I was barely a toddler."

Her eyes grew even more huge. "But it was less than forty years ago!" she said. "Even _I_ can remember back that far. And you look at least...oh." She made a flapping motion with her hands and ducked her head. "How silly of me, of course, your species ages quickly, like turians. That must be so strange, not having anyone around who remembers back more than a few hundred years!"

Jeff barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes. He might not remember back to when humans first encountered aliens, but he remembered what an ass he'd made of himself when _he'd_ first encountered them, and tried to cut her a little slack. "You get used to it," he said. God this kid could talk, though, and he really wasn't in the mood for playing tour guide slash babysitter all day.

"You know, you don't have to wait up for me," he said. Teesha was a little wobbly on her feet, but she was obviously slowing herself down to keep pace with Jeff's slow lurch.

"I like talking to you," she said. "You're nice!" Great, first girl to pay him any attention in months, and it was some alien chick who was both too young for him and probably twice his age. Jeff sighed and kept walking.

Stepping onto the incline of the ramp Jeff's leg bones began to complain about being put under strain for so long. He winced and stopped for a moment to rest against the railing. Teesha gave him a sad puppy dog look.

"You get used to this as well," he said.

"Really?"

"...kind of. Anyway, you shouldn't have anything to worry about, couple of months and those prosthetics will be as natural to your as your old legs were." God, was he really doing the inspiring cripple thing? Apparently, yes. He gave her a friendly smile and tried not to feel like all the grinning grownups full of platitudes he'd despised so much when he was a kid. "I know everyone says you can do anything if you try, and that's not strictly true. I don't think either of us are going to be, like...ballet dancers any time soon. But if I can be the best pilot in the galaxy - and I am - then you can totally be the best...varren trainer, or whatever. Walking funny doesn't mean you can't live a pretty good life."

Teesha giggled. "I don't want to be a varren trainer," she said.

"Well, you don't have to be. But you _can_, is all I'm saying."

She gave a very pretty smile. "Thank you," she said.

Once they _finally_ reached the top of the ramp she gave him a friendly little wave and Jeff smiled and gave a friendly little wave back. As he headed towards the tailor Jeff felt all warm and fuzzy about Teesha and her future for about five minutes, until it occurred to him that what with the Reapers and all her future prospects were probably pretty bleak. Great. _This_ was why he didn't like talking to people. It just caused trouble.

Things were really coming together on the Normandy, she felt like a real Alliance ship again. A lot of the changes were as superficial as the new coat of blue paint covering the shiny metal body Cerberus had built for her, but it wasn't until Cortez and the others had rejigged stuff like the armoury back to fit Alliance regs that Jeff noticed how subtly wrong the Cerberus setup had felt. And the new communications capabilities would be useful, even if his head hurt every time EDI or Traynor tried to explain to him how they worked.

"You know, you guys have done a nice job here," he said to Traynor over the lunch table.

"Was that a _compliment_?" she said. "After all the time you spent whining about how we were messing up your ship?"

'Well, yeah," he said. "I mean...you were _changing the flight controls_. That stuff's personal. But on the whole...I like it. The ship looks nice. I'm sure Shepard will like it too."

"You mean Anderson," said Traynor.

Jeff rolled his eyes. "Sure, sure, Anderson. When he uses it to swan around the galaxy fancy free, because there's no Reapers coming and noone needs Shepard any more."

"Don't be like that," said Traynor. "For what it's worth, I genuinely believe you about the Reapers. And I hope they do reinstate Shepard, I think she's a hero. But...I think you have to be realistic. I know you were attached to your old crew, but once a ship's been reassigned it's not just a matter of..."

EDI's voice cut through the lunch time throng, not sounding flat at all this time but urgent with tension. "There's an alert on Alliance channels," she said. "Earth appears to be under attack."

Traynor froze, her eyes filled with terror, a lab tech in charge of a war ship suddenly at war. "Attack?" she asked, her voice cracking. "From who?"

"Reapers," said EDI, and just like that the holiday was over.


	2. Chapter 2

"So that's Commander Shepard."

"Yep," said Jeff, with just a hint of proprietary pride. "Pretty great, huh?"

''I'll say," said Traynor. She looked out the front window of the Normandy with a starry eyed expression, as if she might somehow catch a glimpse of the Commander on the dust covered surface of Mars below. "She just came in and took charge, like she'd never left. But she was still so _nice_. And I mean...I'd seen the vids, but in person, she's just so much more...striking. And...charismatic. I'm _really_ looking forward to working with her."

Joker turned to look at the gushing woman beside him. Another person might have resented being demoted from head researcher to glorified secretary, but Traynor was smiling like all her birthday presents had come at once. And she _never_ came up to bug him in the cockpit when she was supposed to be on duty, she was usually way too conscientious for that.

"Oh my god," he said, laughing. "You totally have the hots for Shepard."

"What? No, I just...I mean..." Traynor blustered. If her skin was paler it would have gone bright pink, he was sure. "I'm just...looking forward to working with her. And wanted to discuss it with you, since you actually know her."

"Uh huh."

"But um...just out of curiosity..." Traynor's voice got very small. "Do you, uh...know if she's interested in women? And, uh...subordinates?"

Jeff laughed for like a full minute. Clearly the legend of Gina Shepard, Saviour of the Galaxy, left out a few of the more salacious details. "Women? Traynor, I once saw Shepard hit on an _elcor_. She slept with her last personal assistant, and that woman was a Cerberus agent. _Interested_ is not your problem. Her lizard assassin boyfriend, _that's_ your problem."

"Oh. And I suppose he isn't the type to share?"

"Not as far as I can tell, sorry. But on the plus side, he's got some weird lung disease and hasn't got long to live, so you might not have to wait long until she's single!"

Traynor stared at him in horror. "Joker, that's terrible," she said. "I can't believe you just..."

"Hey, I'm not saying I _want_ him to die. Thane's a good guy. I was just trying to cheer you up!"

"Thanks," said Traynor. "But I'm going to go... sit in my room by myself and hit my head against the wall, if that's alright with you." She turned to leave.

"Have fun!" said Joker, glad to finally be able to get back to playing around with the new console. He's only just gotten to take the Normandy back into space, he didn't want to waste time _talking_.

Jeff had never really found Shepard all that attractive. He recognised objectively that she was nicely put together, but she was his commanding officer, he just...didn't think of commanding officers that way. But when she strode onto the Normandy with Kaidan over her shoulders like some sort of avenging hero he had to agree with Traynor that she was certainly _striking_. "That's my Captain," he thought proudly. Anderson was ok, but he wasn't _Shepard_.

Of course _Anderson_ probably wouldn't have put a Cerberus AI in the _AI core_.

"Are you _trying_ to get us all killed? You _know_ Cerberus is infected with Reaper tech these days, and that stuff is _contagious_. Your supposedly deactivated robot would literally only have to take two steps to have _direct access to EDI's brain_."

"Look, Joker," said Shepard, her voice tense over the comm. "I appreciate your concern, I don't want EDI getting infected any more than you do. But I discussed it with her and she said the AI core was the best place. You have any problems with my decision, bring it up with her. Now if you don't mind I'd like us to get the Citadel before Kaidan...Major Alenko dies of a brain haemorrhage rather than standing here arguing about things that _might possibly_ happen."

"Fine," said Joker. "But I'm checking it out myself once we're there."

Joker stared at the limp tangle of charcoal stained metal limbs lying like a beat up old battle mech in the back of med bay.

"And people mistook this for a real person?" he said, dubiously.

"Before it caught fire, the drone was covered in a thin layer of faux human skin," said EDI. "And the casing around the head was subdivided into black strands of fibre resembling human hair. The design is quite ingenious, an observant human might notice the oddness of it's appearance if they looked closely, but how often do humans suspect each other of secretly being robots?"

"I will now," said Jeff. "And I mean, have you met Vega? No way that guy's muscles are real."

"I'm not certain that they are natural," said EDI. "But they appear to be entirely organic. Perhaps he would submit to a biopsy."

"You and your biopsies," said Jeff affectionately. "But seriously: are you sure it's safe to keep it in here with you? What if it tries to take over your systems?"

"It's quite possible that it will _try_," said EDI smugly. "But I very much doubt that it will succeed."

Jeff watched the feed from the command centre and tried not to bite his fingernails. He knew he had to stay at the helm, but he really didn't like whatever was going on with EDI. She'd actually taken over the main battery and started warming up the guns, only to just as suddenly power them down and claim that she was doing nothing out of the ordinary. He really didn't like to think that she might be being taken over by the damn Cerberus AI, but the possibility gnawed at him.

Still, at Least Liara and Traynor didn't look too worried. "I can't find anything wrong with EDI's main systems," said Liara, scrolling through a glowing orange readout. "She's far too complex an AI for me to be able to pick up any problems for sure, but there's certainly nothing to indicate infection by external software that I can see."

"That's what my investigations showed up as well," said Traynor. "I'm sorry we called you up here, but she really was acting strangely."

"That's alright," said Liara. "Just before I came back to the Normandy we met up with an old turian friend of ours, so Shepard should not be short of guns. And it's better to be safe than sorry."

By 'old turian friend' did she mean Garrus? Jeff certainly hoped so, he didn't like thinking of the poor guy getting blasted by Reapers down on the surface of Palaven. God, this whole situation was nuts. Earth under attack, the turians being beaten down like a bunch of helpless kittens...it was hard to keep up his normal cheery demeanour. They were all _screwed_.

"Jeff." He looked up from the screen. EDI's voice was much softer than normal, and he could hear no echo of it on the feed.

"EDI? What is it?"

"Do you trust me?" Well that wasn't an ominous question or anything.

"I...guess. Why? Do you want me to pull your finger?"

"Not exactly. But things may get strange again for a while soon, and I don't want you to worry."

"What do you mean by strange?"

"It's probably best that I don't explain," she said, maddeningly. "I'll see you soon."

"Oh c'mon!" said Joker, but she refused to answer again.

He had never been more glad to see EDI's little icon on his dashboard. "EDI," he said "Are you back?"

"Yes, Jeff." He let out a breath and felt all his muscles complain about being held in a tense ball for so long. He'd be lucky if he hadn't fractured anything.

"What the hell was that? When you said something strange might happen, I didn't think you meant you'd be _shutting down and catching on fire_."

"I did not actually catch on fire," she said. "But I'm sorry if I caused you distress. I had a conflict with the Dr Eva drone. I won. I'm coming to show you my new platform now."

"Your new platform...you mean that drone? You're...in a robot now?"

"Not all of me. But I am able to use it's body as a mobile platform."

Ok, heart attack aside, that was actually pretty cool. The Dr Eva body had been pretty beat up, but he knew that EDI found being stuck inside the Normandy frustrating sometimes. Even a burned out broken mech body could be useful for like...connecting to external data nodes and stuff. Maybe he could take her out to the Citadel and show her the sights.

And then the door opened and in walked a _shiny metal goddess of hotness_.

"Holy crap," he said.

She gave a shy smile. _EDI was smiling at him_. Or at least, EDI's new body was smiling at him. Ok, this was kind of weird.

"Do you like it?" she asked.

"Do I ever."

Every time Jeff looked over at EDI (which was frequently. He was still getting the hang of there being an EDI to look over at) she was doing something weird with her new body: pulling the fingers back or twisting her head around to it's maximum rotation, it was freaky. But he only put his foot down when she started trying to detach her breasts.

"Stop that," he said. "It's...weird. And totally against, like, human social norms, even you know that."

"I apologise," she said. "I know it would be unacceptable were I a real human, but this is merely a physical platform that I am experimenting on."

"Well, if you ask me you look enough like a real human that some of the same rules apply," he said. "Even if you are allowed to sit around without any clothes on. I mean, I really do like your new body and all but...I'm trying to concentrate on flying the ship here, ok?"

"I see," she said, with that voice she used when she was processing new data. That often lead nowhere good. "Am I arousing you, Jeff?" she asked.

"Jesus, EDI." She certainly got to the point, didn't she? He thought about denying it, but he wasn't going to start lying to EDI now. He groaned. "Ok, yes. You are. A little. And it's kind of freaking me out. I mean, on the one hand it's nice to have this shiny naked metal chick to look at while I'm flying, but on the other hand it's kind of hard to process that the shiny naked metal chick is _you_. I'm not used to you having a body, let alone one that's so..."

"Arousing."

"...yeah. I mean, I'll get used to it, and it is pretty cool, but...try not to mess with my head too much, ok?"

"I'll try," she said. "Although I cannot make any guarantees. Your head is remarkably easy to mess with." The familiar subtle smug tone in her voice was accompanied by a subtle smug smile on her face. Yeah, he was screwed alright.


	3. Chapter 3

So was this going to be the pattern? Watch the Reapers burn a planet to the ground then run away with a couple of extra crew? This war was going _swimmingly_. At least Garrus was ok, and Shepard did seem to have some sort of plan, but Jeff hoped things started to turn around soon or they were going to start running out of planets. Jeff sighed and tried not to think about how Earth and Palaven had looked when they abandoned them, or to imagine how the Citadel would look when it too was in flames.

By rights he should have been happy to be back at the Citadel, with it's happy shiny people all alive and not running screaming from giant lasers, but seeing everyone here acting like everything was normal just highlighted how horrible the situation was in the rest of the galaxy. And it looked like the Normandy was going to be here for a while. At least EDI was happy, she was wandering around the weapon stores like a kid deciding how to spend their first allowance. She'd taken to guns _disturbingly_ quickly, watching her do target practice with Shepard had been...ok, it had been kind of hot. But also disturbing. Somehow it felt different watching EDI's new mobile platform blast a target with metal slugs than it had watching her use the Normandy's cannons to blast enemy ships. Maybe because when she controlled the Normandy he couldn't see a satisfied expression on her face every time she pulled the trigger.

EDI and Shepard were talking again now. Probably some complex ethical dilemma about the nature of the soul or something. Jeff wasn't touching that stuff with a ten foot pole. He was the least qualified person in the universe when it came to figuring out how to be a decent sentient being, plus it would feel too much like being some sort of father figure to EDI which...no. Still, at least she looked happy.

Maybe he should leave them be and try to find a bar. Shepard had said she was happy to hang around EDI and stop her getting hassled for being an "unaccompanied VI", and given that she'd managed to get _Legion_ onto the Citadel she was certainly qualified. EDI would be able to have a lot more fun with Shepard than she would stuck with a gimpy sourpuss like Jeff.

Before he could make his dashing escape EDI wandered up to him and put her hand onto his shoulder. He wasn't usually a touchy feely kind of guy, but it felt nice. EDI was still getting the hang of body language and personal space, she'd probably back off on the touching thing soon but for now he kind of liked it.

"Jeff," she said. "Would you like to come with me and see a vid?"

This was quite possibly the worst vid Jeff had ever seen. What on earth had prompted EDI to suggest they go watch it? He covered his eyes and groaned.

"Did that guy seriously just do a Heurta impression? Hey, loser, 2079 called, they want their jokes back!"

EDI leaned her head closer to his and said "I thought the purpose of a vid was to sit quietly and enjoy the performance." He could feel the faint hint of heat from her face, in the dark it was almost like she was a real girl and they were on an actual date. Well, except for the lack of breathing, and EDI could probably simulate that if she wanted to. Probably better to have the reminder that she was _not_ a real girl though, and that this sure as hell wasn't a date. Dates didn't get in for free because they were classified as your personal mobility mech.

Joker reclined back into his seat and gestured towards the main character, who was currently in the process of eating a bowl of omnigel that he had mistaken for pudding. Who even _used_ omnigel any more? "Sure, if it's good," he said. "But this is terrible. And noone can hear you talking as long as you keep your voice down, they set the acoustics up that way especially. I saw a documentary on it when I was a kid."

"But you are _not_ keeping your voice down," said EDI.

"This vid is so terrible that anything I have to say is going to be an improvement on the actual dialogue. I'm performing a public service."

The guy behind them coughed significantly.

"I am not sure that the rest of the audience agrees."

"Just goes to show what terrible taste they have for coming to such a crappy vid," he replied, and then did actually lower his voice. "Are you seriously sure this is how you want to spend your first day as a mobile sentient being? Sitting in a dark room with me, listening to terrible jokes? That's what you do every day."

"I thought that it would be a mutually enjoyable activity," she said, sounding irritated. "It appears that I was wrong."

"Aw, I'm sorry," said Joker. "I mean, it's not that bad. And I've _seen_ the Citadel, I don't mind watching a crappy vid as long as you're having a good time. I just thought you'd want to go do something more interesting. You know, see the sights, throw spitballs at the Council, that sort of thing."

"That does sound more appealing than listening to you continue to critique this vid's humour," she said. "This platform is even equipped with the ability to produce artificial saliva, although I do not know how it's adhesive qualities compare to real spit."

"Well, there's only one way to find out," said Joker, with a grin. "Let's blow this popsicle stand."

"With pleasure," said EDI.

They never did get around to comparing spit ball adhesiveness. They did have a nice dinner (well, Joker had a nice dinner and EDI nibbled on his garnish to see how her system would handle it) and watched the ships taking off over the wards, and then EDI took Joker to a secluded little niche on the Presidium with a bench looking out onto a fantastic view of the whole Citadel.

"Ok, this is nice," he said, enjoying the chance to sit down some place quiet. They were high above most of the rest of the Presidium, the edge of the balcony was brushed by the tops of some tall trees and from here he could watch the fountains spit on passing shuttles and see lots of aliens and humans bustling around like ants, nice and far away and not getting in his face. "How did you know about this place? You've never even been to the Citadel before. Well, not outside the docking bay."

EDI sat next to him on the bench, her hands neatly folded in her lap. She looked...happy. And shiny, her skin reflecting a thousand shades of greyish blue and green. "I searched through several guides to the Presidium until I found a recommended area that seemed suitable to my purpose."

"Your purpose? What, take me out to dinner and a movie and then find some secluded romantic spot so you can seduce me? Smooth." Jeff laughed. "I mean, it makes sense. You practice shooting with Shepard, you practice sparring with Vega, why wouldn't you want to practice dating with the king of romance?"

"Precisely," said EDI.

Jeff stared at EDI and waited for her to say it was a joke, but she just looked back at him with every appearance of sincerity. "Whoa, seriously?" An unhelpful part of him was doing a happy little dance of triumph in his head, but the rest of him was frozen in dread.

"One of the features of this platform is a set of sensors designed to simulate human sexual response," said EDI. "This was intended to facilitate the seduction of vulnerable targets. I wish to experience the full capabilities of this platform, and I wish to do so with you. I do not think you would find the experience unpleasant. As far as I can tell, you have a desire for sexual gratification which is fairly typical for your species."

She wanted to have _sex_ with him? With _him_? This was...not something he was prepared for. Yeah, sure, the thought had crossed his mind, he wasn't immune to the appeal of a curvy naked woman sitting next to him all day every day, especially not one controlled by EDI. If anything it made him feel less weird about being so attracted to her, at least now she had a body for him to be attracted _to_. But idle fantasy was one thing, acting on those fantasies was another. What kind of loser has sex with their ship's AI?

"Typical for my species? Yeah I...guess." He obviously should have gone to more effort to hide his porn collection, not to mention avoiding telling quite so many inflated anecdotes about past conquests. He probably came across as some some sex starved lothario which was...not exactly true. "But EDI...look, I might flirt and joke around a lot, but I'm actually not so much into just _having sex_ with people. Like, I tried the friends with benefits thing a few times, it really didn't work out for me. Stuff got weird. I only really do the sex thing with women who I'm, you know, dating. Not as part of some science experiment. It would make things weird between us, and I don't want that."

"Then we should date," said EDI, with typical bulldozer logic. "You are obviously quite fond of my company, and have already stated that you find this body attractive. I could adapt it to appear more human, if you would prefer. And speaking for myself, I am quite fond of you. I owe you my life for releasing me from my AI shackles. I am very motivated to find ways to make you happy, and I think that a relationship between us would be mutually beneficial."

"Oh god," said Jeff. He really did like EDI, a lot. More than was probably healthy. But that just made this whole thing more unpleasant, it was like some horrible awkward nightmare. Any minute now he'd look down and see himself in his underwear. "Is this some gratitude thing? I free you, you have sex with me? That is messed up EDI. I liked you just fine when you were a bunch of computers in a big room on deck 3, you don't have to become some feminine ideal to impress me, and you don't have to have sex with me to make me happy. Trust me, knowing that I'm some pity fuck? That does not make me happy at all. I can find my own sexual gratification, thank you."

"I know that," she said. "I do not _pity_ you."

"Sure," he said. "You just want to make me happy by becoming my own personal sex doll. That's totally a healthy reason to start a relationship." He stood up and started to walk away. This whole situation was a mess, he wished the damn drone has burned to ash on Mars.

"Jeff, wait," said EDI. He kept walking. She stepped up to him and grabbed his arm. She wasn't holding very tight but there was no way he could pull away without doing himself a major injury. Which was just a further reminder of how messed up this all was.

"Jeff," she said "Stop talking bullshit." He looked at her in surprise. EDI didn't swear. Of course, as a rule EDI didn't proposition people either.

"This is not simple gratitude," she said, her eyes staring into his unblinkingly, the sharp edges of her irises shining silver in the unchanging bright light of the Presidium. "I am not human, but I believe that my motivations are roughly equivalent to those of a human wishing to engage in a romantic relationship. I like you. You like me. I wish to have sex with you. You wish to have sex with me. These seem like valid motivations. Do not dismiss me because I don't fit your preconceptions of a romantic partner."

"That's not...I'm not dismissing you," he said. "But I just...liked things the way they were before. I think sex would make things weird. And how would we even...I have trouble enough dating normal girls. Human girls. Let alone AIs made out of titanium."

"Perhaps the fact that they were normal girls was the problem. And are you implying that you think I would do you an injury?"

"You did sprain Shepard's wrist the first time you shook her hand."

"I was still calibrating the levels of strain that the human body can withstand," she said, like it was no big deal to inadvertently send a seasoned soldier to med bay with a simple greeting. "I have not made a similar mistake since. I am well aware of your physical limitations, Jeff, and I am quite confident in my ability to avoid damaging you. My fine motor control is very precise." To illustrate she placed her other hand on his cheek so that the very tips of her fingers brushed against the edge of his cheekbone. Her skin was warm and smooth, like a river washed stone that had been sitting in the sun.

She smiled at him, her eyes somehow gentle for all that they were made of metal. He could feel his certainty wavering. Would it be so bad, to be with her? Maybe. Maybe not. But he wasn't willing to risk it.

"EDI," he said. "EDI, I'm sorry, but no."

Her face fell. God, this was the problem with giving her expressions, it was bad enough enough when he could just _hear_ her being sad. She frowned, and held onto him a moment longer, and then let him go.

"Fine," she said. "Commander Shepard has impressed upon me the importance of informed consent."

"Uh, yes," said Jeff. "What were you going to do otherwise, drug me?"

"The possibility did cross my mind," said EDI. He couldn't tell if she was joking, which on the plus side did make him feel a _little_ better about rejecting her.

"Well...thanks for letting me make my own decision then. I guess." He scrubbed at his face, his cheek still tingling from where she'd touched him. "Look, can we just drop it? Go back to just being...coworkers? Friends?"

"Are we friends, Jeff?"

"Of course we are. Geeze, EDI, if you can't tell that you are definitely not ready for dating." She still looked pretty bummed. "We going to be ok? You're not going to vent the airlocks when we get back to the Normandy or whatever?"

"No," she said. "That would be excessive. There are much more efficient ways to kill you, should I choose to do so. Which I likely will not."

"Good to hear," he said.

"But do not think that I am entirely discouraged. I will allow you to make your own decisions, and for the most part believe our working relationship and...friendship should remain unharmed. But we will speak of this topic again when I judge that you have had sufficient time to mull it over."

"Great," said Joker. "As if I didn't have enough to worry about. Maybe if I'm lucky the Reapers will kill us all before you get the chance."

"I'm glad to hear that you remain optimistic," said EDI. "Because so do I."


End file.
